Embracing Brokenness

By Diane Dike, Ph.D. - award-winning speaker, singer, author

My body went numb as I collapsed into the chair. The doctor’s mouth moved, but I heard nothing. He stammered, “Are you alright?” I had no answer.

Pain became my constant companion at the age of twenty-three. I had no idea what "Cryoglobulinemia" meant or even how to pronounce it. The words, "incurable, life threatening, chronic" overwhelmed me. The way I looked at the world and my purpose for living changed in an instant.

Prior to the mysterious diagnosis, at 19 I married my high school sweetheart, became a special needs teacher, church youth leader and coached swimming and track. We realized personal and professional dreams, while making a difference in young people’s lives, even as I sang for thousands at a popular theme park. We had big goals and plans.

One terrible Friday in 1990, a severe pain stabbed my left hip. Later my left foot began to ache with two red spots on the arch. Sunday I stepped out of bed and fell to the floor. While crawling for help I noticed that my left foot had doubled in size and was hot to the touch. My husband rushed me to the emergency room where I was prescribed painkillers, crutches, rest and ice. I would later discover that icing was the worst possible treatment and the painkillers only aggravated symptoms.

Each week a new body part became swollen and covered in hives, rashes, or red/hot spots. Poked and prodded by specialists and admitted to hospitals every few weeks, they tested for lupus, leukemia, rheumatoid arthritis and AIDS... Concerned about the possibility of gangrene, two doctors contemplated amputation of my peculiar legs.

When the attacks came on with sudden vengeance, all I could do was helplessly watch my body deteriorate. Flu-like symptoms made working, socializing, shopping, and performing the simplest of daily chores excruciating. In addition, insomnia and the gnawing pain of fibromyalgia that began when I was 15 became more intense. Deep sorrow, weeping and anguish ripped all hope from my being. I cried out, “God, help me!” As if I was dragging around a thousand pound ball of shame, no matter how hard I tried to kick it away, it shackled me and plunged my life into ruin.

On Tuesday, May 11, 1993, the University of South Florida hosted a conference for the world’s leading physicians in the field of rare and difficult to diagnose diseases. Invited to participate, I was told to keep a journal of my symptoms. One doctor after another examined my body and studied my file. My symptoms got worse right before their eyes, and in the end, the group ordered a specialized blood test. I was sent home to wait for the results, again.

Almost three years after those two red spots first appeared on my foot, the doctors concluded that I suffered from a rare, incurable blood disease called CRYOGLOBULINEMIA, cryo-cold, globul-clotting, anemia-blood. It’s an excruciating autoimmune blood clotting disorder that destroys vital organs and gets worse when I’m stressed, sitting with my feet dangling down or my body gets cold. They also confirmed vasculitis (the hurting disease), purpura and Raynaud’s Phenomenon with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the list grows on. I was told to minimize all exposure to the cold and avoid ANYTHING that inflames the potentially life-threatening symptoms.

Even though I felt relief over finally getting a diagnosis, I detached because a fulfilling life now seemed impossible. I sunk into a deep depression and lost everything that mattered. My divorce and subsequent homelessness led to suicide attempts and confinement in a psychiatric hospital. I could only see these diseases as a source of never ending agony. I didn’t know how to accept or ask for help. I prayed for death to come quickly and I didn’t care how, “Just make this pain end.”

In complete despair, God answered me by directing my focus from my misery to Jesus and His promises for my life. The Bible taught me that peace, protection, good health, wholeness, and provision could be mine despite the storm that surrounded me. One day I made the choice to leave behind old behaviors, thoughts, and labels. Embracing my second chance at God’s saving grace and the opportunity to live my life well, in spite of my dire health problems.

Prayer and Bible reading led me to find refuge from my worldly distress and incredible changes occurred. The truth of God’s Word sank in, and whenever I felt fear, I starved it with faith. The song of my heart returned and helped to combat the battlefield in my mind. One song especially ministered to me: “Take My Hand and Walk,” by Jean Luc Lajoie. With this encouragement, I dispelled the devil’s claims that I was, “Alone, unlovable, deserved to be sick, God was made at me and the world would be better off without me...” During this profound time with God, my hope was restored and old dreams were replaced by new ones. Embracing brokenness, I saw my life as God saw it—worthy to be lived.

God helped me survive the darkness so I can be a light to help others find their way. He likes to breath life through the most unlikely of candidates. Whereas my brokenness once dragged me into the pit, it now lifts me up into the open arms of a loving God who has an important purpose and plan for each life. The disease hasn't left yet, but sometimes wellness doesn’t mean the absence of sickness. By letting my mess become my message and my tests become my testimony, day by day, I’m an overcomer!

Five years ago I rescued a broken dog, and she rescued me back by becoming the world's first rescued Italian Greyhound Service Dog helping a woman with an incurable blood disease. She has many tasks that help me more safely participate in life. Together we go where no woman and dog have gone before. We visit prisons, schools, orphanages, hospitals, ... wherever we are invited to share our message of hope. And I haven’t been hospitalized since I rescued her, a true miracle.

Since few are acquainted with the illness, I’ve written several books including: Gracie Comes Home and God Made Only One of Me, developed a web site, www.DianeDike.org to inform and help, as well as an outreach non-profit organization called Second Chance with Saving Grace. I’m strong and courageous in spite of persistent challenges because I’ve learned the key to happiness: focusing not on myself but on the needs of others, just as Jesus did.