It's Such A Pain

The dictionary describes pain as:

pain   [peyn]

noun

1.  physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.  a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain.

3.  mental or emotional suffering or torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.

4.  pains,

a.  laborious or careful efforts; assiduous care: Great pains have been taken to repair the engine perfectly.

b. the suffering of childbirth.

5.  Informal . an annoying or troublesome person or thing.

There are so many hidden pains, whether physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual, and yet most pain cannot be seen by anyone else.  It certainly cannot be felt by someone else, at least not in any comparable way because feelings cannot be shared that way.  Someone may say to you, “I know how you feel”, but the truth of the matter is they do not.  It is in every way impossible for one to know how anyone else feels.  We can imagine the pain another is in, but that is the full extent of it. 

How then do we reach out to those whose pain has become a burden beyond their means for endurance?  How do we help without smothering?  How do we help without insulting?  What do we say without hurting?

We’ve all heard the good intentions of others telling us to “call if you need anything”, or “keep your chin up, it will get better with time.”    I’ve heard some outrageous words of ‘encouragement’ when my husband became ill with brain cancer and later when he died from it; words that caused more pain to my already broken heart.  So we put on our Happy Mask and hide our pain from the world.

Hidden diseases, menacing pain in a body that looks in every way healthy, are an enigma to the outside world as well.  “You look just fine”, “It’s all in your head”, “Just don’t think about it”.  More words from those who think that they are helping, but in reality their help is “all in their head.”  

So what do we do?  Do we pretend that we are practically perfect in every way?  I’ve never been to successful at flying with umbrellas so I think we should leave the “practically perfect” pretense to Mary Poppins.  Do we hide from the world and lick our wounds in private?  Also not a good plan, hermits tend to get overly cantankerous and bow-legged.  What do we do?

We connect.  We find a place where we are free to be who we are.  A safe place where there are others who truly can imagine our pain, whatever kind of pain it is.  Or if they can’t imagine it, they can at least empathize with us, rather than patronize us.  A place where we are encouraged to look beyond our pain into the world as it can be when we are surrounded by the love of those who have already walked our journey or are on the same road we are walking now.  We find a place like CVO and SCwSG, where our life and our dreams are nourished, where we are free to leave our masks on the coat rack and we are free to express our pain, our thoughts, and our hopes.

Today's message was shared during a Zoom video call. Join people from all over the world and SCwSG/CVO members/volunteers every Tuesday, at 10am mst., for 15 minutes of:
Hope & Encouragement with Shelley Brandon!

SCwSG's Grief and Encouragement Coach